Because of My Kids, My Life Has Been Over for Years

6 min readNov 22, 2020

I’m at my wit’s end. I love my kids and can’t imagine anything happening to them. I proactively wanted to be a mother. I have a 20yo boy, 5 yo boy, 7 yo girl. Right after the girl, it was sunshine and butterflies. I went to lots of places with her in tow, still saw all my friends. Her father and I split early, which was fine. I already had plans to have another before she was 3. I didn’t want or need a man around; I wanted my kids. I felt like my age was pushing it to wait around for Mr. Right any longer.

After the second one, things changed. They got harder, and I wasn’t the picture of perfect motherhood anymore. When they were 3 and 1, I decided to go back to work full time. It was clear that my 3-year-old daughter did not want the new baby around, but I thought this was typical. Fast forward to now, and they can’t be left in the same room alone for 2 minutes, ever. They physically attack each other to the point of leaving marks and scream constantly. They both do things like hitting themselves and say they hate themselves when they’re fighting. They do it outside, in front of the neighbors, in the store; they have no shame.

They both act completely deaf when I talk and sometimes still won’t acknowledge I’m there even after I’ve gotten within 3 inches of their face and said their name 20 times. My 7-year-old purposely does the exact opposite of everything I tell her and tells me why my way is stupid. There are almost always negative consequences to misbehaving, but she never makes the connection that actually means I was right.

My 5-year-old son, just screams, throws things and has a meltdown when he doesn’t get his way. I was relieved when at the Dr getting a nasal swab, he had a meltdown, screaming, banging his head on the walk, shaking his head violently, kicking the doctor, threatening to kill her. I thought we would finally get an evaluation, but I got papers for the local parenting classes. AS if. Wonder I will do that since when he’s left with anything besides his father or me, he hides under the table and screams the entire time.

Neither of them eats any actual food despite me feeding them healthy from day one. The 7-year-old has a little variety, the 5-year-old eats about 5 different things.

Now we are stuck in home school misery. My 7-year-old was about to be tested for gifted classes at the end of last year before covid hit. She has made no progress because we are at home, and she flat out refuses to do work. She will say no and sit at the table for 2 hours looking around and not write one word. This isn’t a spelling issue. She can do it. She says she doesn’t want to. No punishment works, and quite frankly, I think it sucks that if the 5-year-old has tried to behave, he gets punished for her behavior by not getting to go on outings I had planned because she can’t listen. This is work that would take her 15 minutes, but she’d rather stare at the computer for 4 hours.

Most days, I can’t shower because within 3 minutes, they are screaming at the door, and one of them has a handful of hair or giant bruise, pinch, bite marks, etc. My house is trashed 24/7. They spend the entire day getting out every toy and leaving it somewhere, usually on the floor. If it’s a set, they make sure to spread every piece all through the house, so we lose at least a few pieces, and they can scream and demand a new one.

Every night bedtime is a 3 hour long screaming match. I wanted to be the type of Mon to do sports, scouts, art classes, etc. But so far, I’ve done nothing. We can’t even make it to a park without a huge scratch or pinch or black eye. I haven’t even gotten a hair cut in 2 years. I’ve gained 50 lbs. I look forward to going to a job I hate, and I cry every day, sometimes because I woke up again.

I love my kids, but they’ve taken away everything else I ever loved or valued. I wish I had a grandma for them who could do a better job raising them than me.

I’m looking for any thoughts or words of encouragement from parents here on Medium…

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